Thank GOD this wasn't one of my students.

If you've made the decision to cheat on a paper, use some common sense and have some style.

Be sure that you change the font on your cut-and-paste job to match the rest of your paper, neglecting not the font size. If the paper starts off in 12-point Times New Roman, that whole section in 14-point, bolded Garamond is going to stick out.

If there are any superscripts or footnote markers, get rid of them. Your little "1" at the end of that quote, in a paper that does not have endnotes or footnotes, is a giveaway. Likewise, get rid of any blue hyperlinks contained in your lifted quote.

Whatever you do, don't grab your goodies from the very first link that pops up in Google.

If caught, just sack the fuck up and admit it, and take your punishment like an adult. Don't whine, don't explain that it was an accident or somehow not really your fault. Own your own bullshit.

For your own sake, cowboy up before you find yourself in a meeting with the prof, a Dean, both parents and several members of the student judiciary. It looks bad for you when the prof can walk up to the SmartPodium, turn on the overhead display, and demonstrate, on the big screen in front of everyone, exactly where you pulled those quotes from.

Trust me -- your parents, who have been vociferously protesting your innocence, proclaiming your innocence, trumpeting your snow-white purity and unequaled intelligence, arguing on your behalf and threatening to bring the Mother of All Lawsuits, will be embarrassed.

The more embarrassed they are, the harder they will be on your ass later. Heck, they may not wait to get out of earshot of the entire cast of characters before they start threatening you with instant death and dismemberment. It's unlikely to be a cheery summer for you.

For the record, all of these "count:"

• Cutting and pasting from an internet source without citing
• Recycling one of your own papers from a different course
• Using someone else's words or original thoughts as your own, without citing the source
• Buying a paper from an online paper mill, or using a paper from a "student repository" or essay mill (a file of papers kept by a Greek organization)

The consequences vary from school to school, but almost always include failure of the given course. Punishment can include a period of academic probation. If a pattern of cheating emerges, you can be bounced out of college on your ass.

Informally, professors actually fraternize, and confer about students periodically. If you get caught cheating in a class, and the prof goes up the academic chain (through department head and Dean), there is a good chance that your other profs will get wind of it, and all of your work in other classes will be scrutinized especially carefully.

Have a great break, dude!

Go read:

Ambulance Driver

On a much less serious note, I direct your attention to the recommendation letter for one Wellington Q Fuckknuckle III.

Thank you...and Godspeed, ladies and gentlemen.

Taken from the Military Motivator.

Memorial Day, 2008: Remember those in harm's way currently, those who have served honorably, and those who paid the ultimate price.

People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf.

-- George Orwell

"Are you laughing at me?"

If any of the following apply to you, then the answer is "yes:"

-- You are a scrawny fifteen-year-old with peckerwood muttonchop sideburns and a red jewfro,

-- You are wearing a black t-shirt, size XXXL, that has "THUG 4 EVAH" airbrushed on it, when you weigh a buck even,

-- You are wearing oversized camo pants which sag down to mid-thigh, exposing raggedy-assed boxers and a goodly portion of your bepimpled butt,

-- Your pants legs are six inches too long, thus making you trip forward as you walk, because you keep treading on the front portion of pantleg, and lastly

-- You try to skateboard down a small hill wearing said pants, get the aforementioned Ridiculous Thug Pants caught in the wheels of your board and skid down the alley on your bare bottom.

Dumbass.

Men puzzle me.

Several years ago (Three? Four?), a friend sent me a video that was made by some Air Force Airmen, praising Gold Bond Powder. There was a penis puppet, and several gratuitous references to male genitalia.

(Edited to add: M U Shroom, a truly magnificent bastard, has located the video! Neither of us is responsible for the earworm.)

The video was hysterical. The song went something like this:

Gold Bond Powder, you are a friend of mine
Gold Bond Powder, you make my balls feel fine!
Cures swamp nuts fast and that's a fact --
You keep me dry, won't tear my sack
You're a golden breath mint for my balls!

(Repeat 2x's)

Hip, hip, hip hooray! My nuts feel mighty fresh today!
Finally, I can really play with my balls!
(Balls, balls, balls!)
Hip, hip, hip hooray! My stinky sack has gone away!
I want to share my testes with the world!

(Repeat chorus 3x's)

Proving that the military has very little sense of humor, you can't find the video on line anywhere anymore, and everyone even remotely involved up and down the chain was busted.

In the search for the video, I ran across a couple of discussion boards dedicated to the unique male ritual of "Bonding the Boys" -- i.e., the application of "nut powder." Apparently, Gold Bond has quite the cult following. The quote (and illustration) of the day: "The Blue Gold Bond = It's like a thousand angry gnomes punching your sack."

Hee.

This is apparently a ritual passed down among males -- the rite of passage known as powdering your balls. Last summer, the Cranky Husband showed the Carpet Shark how to apply his own powder. The preferred toddler/small child stance is to semi-squat, Sumo wrestler-style, take a handful of preferred powder (yes, in this house it's Gold Bond), and play air guitar with your junk -- complete with sound effects. The alternate is to assume the Captain Morgan pose, and apply with a piratey sort of "Arrrrrrr!"

And then dance around, because apparently the tingle of freshly-applied powder is, uh, intense and invigorating. Bracing, even.

All of this is a set-up to explain why I damn near had an aneurysm in BJ's yesterday. As Shark, Biscuit and I were cruising down the "personal care" aisle, the familiar yellow bottle came in to sight, and Shark yelled -- at the top of his very powerful lungs, and with great enthusiasm -- "Look! It's the magic pee-pee powder! Daddy and I need magic pee-pee powder! It keeps us happy in summer! Can I get the big bottle of pee-pee powder?" Followed by a complete re-enactment of the Pose and Dust Procedure as outlined above.

Egads.

Help with the pinching of pennies.

Legend has it that copper wire was invented when two Scots argued over a pence they found on the ground.

I can see that. These days, I am more about clearing debt and saving money wherever I can. I figured to pass some of this on to you, my frisky little badgers.

Find cheap gas prices in your area.

More places to find cheap gas -- and I use this one myself.

A decent food/cooking link:

The Hillbilly Housewife

I love the site, however, I have some caveats:

Some of these recipes are gross.

The site can be loooong on Jesus. If that annoys you, you might want to pass.

I hate margarine, despite its cheapness, and refuse to use it.

I have been known to cook with bacon fat, and I recommend it. Bacon bacon bacon.

General budgeting stuff:

Pioneer Thinking

Simple, Debt-free Living

The Dollar Stretcher

One week out of every month, this would sound tasty as Hell.

Of course, the other three weeks, it would be absolutely disgusting.